Mommy Guilt

This Friday it will be 4 months since this beautiful child entered my life.

And now he's grown into this

I'm sitting here once again at work and texting my babysitter and realized that for the last two months I feel like I am completely missing out. I am racked with mommy guilt. It's a horrible, horrible feeling. I have no choice but to work because without my income we wouldn't have a home. And its not like I keep working so that we can live in some fancy home. We are still living in a one bedroom apartment and my child is still sleeping in the dining room. (We have put our names on the waiting list for a 2 bedroom). But he's changing every single day and each week I only get 48 hours with him. I just know I'm going to miss him rolling over for the first time, his first words, all the special moments in life. I was blessed enough to spend Jackson's first year of life at home with him and missed nothing.

My husband gets frustrated when Will is crying because he says he doesn't know what he wants/needs and that I always do. But the more I think about that, the more I realize I have no clue. I guess at things and try different things and I am usually able to soothe him. But talking with my sitter today I feel like she knows my child better than I do. She spends 9 hours a day 5 days a week with him. I was blessed to find him a wonderful lady that cares for him in her home with only her 2 children. She treats Will as if he were hers and loves him the same. I know that he's in excellent hands. But they aren't my hands....

Have any of you mommies every experienced this? How did you cope? How do you make the mommy guilt go away?

Falling Apart

At age 14 weeks and 3 days.

At least, that's all I could think when we were sitting in the dr's office last night hearing everything that is WRONG with our child. Enter massive dose of wine and chocolate topped off by happy pills for this mommy.

We visited our pediatrician again last night in the hope he will finally do something about baby's congestion. Its been going on for over a month now and all I keep getting told is to wait it out because he's too little for meds. While I did get this answer again, I did get to leave with some clarity, confidence, and a BBG machine. For those of you unfamiliar with the wonders of the BBG machine it is basically a vacuum with a tube attached and the tube goes up your babies nose to suck out all of the snot. Welcome to the wonderful world of mommyhood.

With the congestion baby has a badly swollen nose and a ton of drainage. He also has bad dry skin, craddle cap and a yeast rash on his neck from slobbering due to teething while he's sleeping at night. Cue $100 bill at WalMart on Aveeno lotion for the dry skin, baby oil for the craddle cap, Rx for the yeast rash, saline drops to assist the BBG machine, Tylenol because its the only thing we can give him, and basic other items for baby.

The only positive thing from the appointment is his lungs are perfect and there is no RSV or pnuemonia on the horizon!! I am in for one fun weekend! Wish me luck!

Suffering From Exhaustion

Driving to work this morning I was listening to my favorite station and they were telling about Demi Moore being hospitalized. Now, I'm not completely heartless and I do feel bad that she's sick but the phrase they used got me to thinking. They said she has a substance abuse problem and is SUFFERING FROM EXHAUSTION. Does that phrase sound familiar to anyone else? It seems like everytime a celebrity is hospitalized that phrase pops up. Huh???

Now, I'm half the age of this particular celeb and alot younger than alot of others I've heard have been hospitalized for this same thing. Is this a serious problem? As you all know I have a now 3 month old at home. Not only that, but my dude has decided to out do big brother and is teething. Not just one, but three. My child has THREE TEETH! Two on the bottom have not broken through yet but are clearly there and one on the top has actually broke the skin. All of my fellow mommy bloggers know exactly what this means. I AM GETTING NO SLEEP. And not just that, but he is constantly cranky and it seems like only mommy's arms make him happy.

On top of the no-sleeping-cranky-baby I also work a full time job and has a husband that just started a brand new job 15 minutes away that I have to get up and drive him to every single morning at 6am. Am I suffering from exhaustion? Maybe I should check into the hospital? Think it'd get me any time off work? I mean, I did try to put my face wash soap in my hair this morning and use creamer in my cereal instead of milk? Maybe I'm also suffering from this apparently very serious disease and don't know it!!!

I'm not trying to downplay anyone's illness and I do wish Demi a speedy recovery. But come on! Celebs live the high life. If they have young children 95% of them have nannies that help them constantly. Most of them don't even have children living at home anymore because they're grown. So how in the world are they suffering from exhaustion? Can anyone help me understand this?

Friday the 13th

Friday the 13th has proved its legend to me today!!!

I woke up all excited that its Friday and I have the weekend with my family ahead. We're blessing the baby tomorrow. Things look great! And then it hit.... literally. I stopped at the 7-11 on my way to work and I parked in a space, about to get out of the truck when the guy on my passenger side side swipes me truck! AND KEPT GOING!!!! By the time I had even processed what had happened he was down the street. I came to work completely frazzled. Luckily, I called my mom to complain and she told me to call the cops. I did and a very nice officer called me back and said he was going to the 7-11 to look at the security tapes to see if he could get a plate number. He came to my office afterwards and took pictures of my truck and we did all the paperwork. Luckily, I work for a car dealership and I pay attention to random things on vehicles like the plate frame of what dealership it came from. The guy who hit me had a plate frame from my dealership because he had purchased the vehicle from us. The cop asked my manager if there was any way of finding out who we sold the car to. He took a guess and pulled up the last customer that we had sold that type of vehicle to. The cop pulled up the license of the guy (we had a great picture of him entering the 7-11) and low and behold it was the guy!! The cop went to his house, found the damaged vehicle and got all his information to me so that I can file an insurance claim. Crisis Averted! Or so I thought.

After all the drama I went to get something to eat at Taco Bell and my card was declined. Interesting?? I had cash, paid and came back to my office to check my online account. My freaking card was compromised and there was a random charge on there that left me with $4 in the bank. I called the card company and had to cancel that card, order a new one, and now I have to wait for the charge to actually post so they can start their process of getting my money back.

I was never a superstitious person, but you better believe I will now be on the lookout for black cats, ladders, cracks in the sidewalk, etc!

Teen Mom. Ok or Not Ok?

First off, I will openly admit I am completely obsessed with the MTV shows, 16 & Pregnant, Teen Mom and Teen Mom 2. And I religiously stalk my favorite blogger, The Ashley,  for the latest and greatest on these shows and a few others. If you have never seen her blog, reality tv fan or not, you HAVE to check it out. She is absolutely hilarious in her writing style and will have you rolling!

I get that when the these shows all started MTV was trying to make a statement about teen pregnancy as it is a growing issue. But, lately it seems like all the positive they have tried to show is being outdone by all the negative. Jennelle (Teen Mom 2) was arrested AGAIN today for harrassing phone calls. She's been arrested numerous times in the past for various other things.

Amber (Teen Mom) is currently sitting in jail (and has been since before Christmas) until her court hearing on Jan 13th and has lost custody of her daughter as well as her home. Luckily baby daddy Gary is able to have full custody and take care of the baby.

Maci (Teen Mom) was actually one of the mom's I admired. She had her own place to live, went to school and seemed to take very good care of herself and her son. She was recently thrown out of a Disney hotel for being public drunk and disorderly. Yes, being part of Teen Mom she is under the age of 21. And she was at Disney for crying out loud!

My question to you is this, is it ok for MTV to keep airing these shows? Yes, I get that MTV is racking up the ratings with people (like my hubs) who watch only to make fun of these train wrecks, but seriously? Where do you draw the line? The show is no longer about the difficulty of being a teen parent but of now seeing how much trouble one of these mom's can get in to. They have even aired court appearances as well as arrests. Personally, I think if you continue to get in trouble with the law, then you should get kicked off the show. Or take it off all together! Yes, I would be sad about this but they have an aresnal of other reality tv shows that would be much better suited for air time. Why not bring back the wonderful Engaged and Underage??

Christmas and New Years

Yes, I am super behind on blogging! The reason.... I was forced to come back to work. Forced as in, the mailman insists on bringing these pretty envelopes from people asking for money every month. If he would just stop doing that, then life would be much better!

Christmas was uneventful for us as baby William was only 9 weeks old at the time and more into staring at the lights on the tree than caring about presents. Good thing for us because we supplied him with diapers, wipes and just a few toys. I caught a break because I wrapped the empty boxes, didn't even bother to unwrap them and just threw them in the trash. As you'll see in the pics, it did make for a beautiful tree!

Hubby and I spoiled each other this year and I couldn't be more excited! I am FINALLY the owner of a Kindle and Keurig coffee machine. I have been begging for those for well over a year and now have them and am completely obsessed with them!!! I have already read many books and my local library has the options to check out books so I take full advantage!

I fully stocked hubs with everything he needs to go ice fishing. Due to our insane winter (it was 56 degrees in Utah last week) he hasn't been able to go yet but they are working on a trip soon. I can't wait for him to get to use it and he's excited to try a new kind of fishing.

New Years Eve was incredibly boring. I stayed up long enough to watch the ball drop on the East coast, kissed the hubby and passed out! Baby slept through it so that was all I wanted.

I'll sign off with some pictures from the holidays and hopefully will catch back up on regular blogging!!

My beautiful Kindle

The cover was given to me by a coworker for our Secret Santa gift

Christmas isn't complete without a John Deere tractor!

My lovely tree

Christmas morning

The best Christmas present I've ever gotten

Keurig with my awesome organizer filled with Starbucks Kcups

Me and dudes on NYE

Watching the ball drop

First picture of 2012!

The Heart of Christmas

This afternoon during my little one's nap time I got some mommy time with the DVR. I watched a movie called The Heart of Christmas. It's about the true story of a little boy named Dax Locke and his family. Dax is diagnosed with AML M7 at the young age of 13 months. The movie is about the journey his family goes through and even has narration from his mom's actual Caring Bridge journal. Unfortunately sweet little Dax lost his battle with cancer at 2 1/2 years old. As I was watching this incredible movie I couldn't help but go get my sleeping baby and just hold him tight in my arms.

Julie Locke's motto is "Cherish Every Moment". This has really made me think in the last 24 hours. Christmas is supposed to be about family and the birth of Jesus Christ. Instead, people have made it about presents and parties and decorations and so many other things that aren't important. I'm not trying to say I'm perfect by any means, but after watching the story of this family and reading some of her blog posts last night, it made me rethink this holiday season.

I want to make an effort to spend more time with my husband. Since baby's birth, of course I have been wrapped up in all things William. Who can help that?? But I do catch myself getting shorter and shorter with my husband. I can put William in his swing or bouncey seat and try to spend more quality time with my husband. Our anniversary is this weekend and I've already lined up a babysitter so we can go out to dinner and maybe go see some Christmas lights. Just something to focus more on each other.

I want to take more time to tell the people that are important to me how much I appreciate them. I have many wonderful friends and family and I don't want to let another day go by without telling them what their friendship means to me.

There are many other things I'm going to make an effort at. But right now, I'm going to snuggle with my sweet baby and cherish every moment God has blessed me with. I hope you all do the same.