Baby Blues

Blogs are where you're supposed to let your emotions run free, right?? Well, I totally need to.

Currently, B and I are trying to conceive. And yes, I get that we haven't been trying that long and I should just "be patient" and all that. But I'm seriously upset and frustrated with the subject of babies. As of right this minute there are 16 women in my inner circle who are pregnant. Majority of them for the second time. Please don't mistake my point here. I am completely happy for these women. Some of them are my closest of friends. I am thrilled that they are expanding their family. I am just extremely frustrated that I am not.

I love my son with everything that is in me. He is the absolute light of my life. But I do not now nor have I ever really loved his father. Booger was a complete OOPS! but that has never changed how I feel about him. But now that I have actually found the man that I love enough to actually WANT to have babies with, it is just not happening!!

I know that conception is realistic in a very short window each month so we are actually going to start the temping and charting and all that fun stuff as soon as Flo makes her appearance next week. Trust me, I am not pregnant this month. I just know.

I truly hope that I am not offending anyone out there in the blogosphere because I know that there are women who have had much more serious problems with fertility than I seem to be. But after being on depo for almost 5 years after my son was born I have serious concerns about the damage I may have done to my body for it not to be conceiving. And it literally feels like I'm the only person NOT pregnant right now!

I just want to give my husband the joy of having a child. The amazing 9 months of pregnancy, the birth, watch him hold our baby for the first time. But being completely a little impatient, I want that NOW! I want to reproduce with the man I love. And as happy as I am for my friends who are getting to experience all this wonderfulness, I am seriously sad. I cry everytime another one tells me she's pregnant. I bawled all through Grey's Anatomy last week watching Callie get her ultrasound. I live in Utah where you can't sneeze without running into 5 pregnant women. I look at their bellies and it honestly makes me just hurt because I want that so badly.

I know "it will happen" and just "be patient, give it time". Yeah, I get all that. I truly do. But this is my blog and I'll cry if I want to!